How to Break the Permission Trap and Start Trusting Yourself
And Why Inspirational Advice Doesn't Work When You Need Approval
Let’s be honest: you didn't wake up one day and suddenly decide you needed other people’s permission before you could make a decision or take action. It probably feels like it just happened out of nowhere. You tell yourself, "I'm finally done living like this," but you genuinely don't know what tangible steps to take to change it.
As you endlessly scroll TikTok or search YouTube, you're constantly bombarded by coaches and gurus shouting from the rooftops, promising that you don't need anyone else's approval to step into who you were meant to be. They tell you that successful people didn't wait—they didn't wait for permission, or to feel ready, or for others to believe in them. They simply decided they were enough and moved.
The motivational pep talk often wraps up with a neat little bow: all you need is your own approval, and the time to stop withholding that from yourself is now, because, ultimately, the choice is yours. When you hear this, you probably think, "Yeah, that's right. I only need my own approval. Screw what everybody else thinks. It is time I started giving this to myself."
But then, you try to make a big decision, and you freeze. The desire quickly fades. You go back to doing what feels safe and comfortable. You tell yourself you’ll only make the move once you get a sign from the universe, or once someone important gives you the go-ahead.
You're left feeling like you're doing something wrong, or that there's something fundamentally broken about you because you’re right back at square one.
Stop right there. You are not the problem.
The problem lies with the information you’re consuming. It’s surface-level. It doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what’s really going on. Welcome to the Coaching Cleanse Series, where we unlearn what surface-level coaches want you to believe, and dive into the deep work of breaking free from external validation.
What Is the Permission Trap?
The permission trap is a psychological and behavioral pattern where an individual habitually seeks external validation or approval before they can trust their own decisions, feelings, or actions. It is the persistent need for an affirmative sign from a friend, family member, mentor, or even a stranger on the internet, before taking a self-directed step forward.
It feels like having an invisible tether connecting your will to the opinions of others. You are not lazy or unmotivated—you are simply stuck in a pattern where your nervous system has learned that waiting for permission is a survival tactic.
The Flaw in Surface-Level Advice
Why does all the motivational content about how to stop seeking permission fail to create lasting change?
The gurus aren't actually telling you how to finally give yourself the self-approval and validation that you feel you need from friends, family, or even perfect strangers. Their advice is often completely intangible:
Journal more?
Say your affirmations?
Buy my thousand-dollar program?
These suggestions fail to address the fundamental, structural reasons why you got stuck in the permission trap in the first place. They bypass the nervous system and the deep-seated stories that are running the show. You’re being gaslighted into thinking that the lack of progress is due to a weak "why" or a lack of hustle. This is fundamentally wrong.
Why We Seek Others' Approval: The Deep Roots
The core reason you feel like you need permission goes way back, all the way back to your childhood. This is where you learned the original lesson—the one that has been following you ever since.
Childhood Patterns & Self-Doubt
As children, we are dependent on our caregivers. When we attempt to assert our will, express our needs, or make a decision, and we receive a negative or dismissive response, our nervous system registers this as a threat to our connection and, therefore, a threat to our safety.
Consider these two common examples:
The Denied Desire: Perhaps you told your parents you wanted to try a new hobby, like horseback riding. They said no, perhaps because it was "too dangerous" or "too expensive." Without any conscious awareness, you decided at that moment that you clearly didn't know how to keep yourself safe or make the right choice. You let that desire go.
The Unheard Voice: Fast forward a bit, and you try again to assert your right to know what's best for you by speaking up, telling your teacher that a classmate hurt you. Instead of feeling protected, they stick you at the back of the line, justifying the move by saying they could "keep a better eye on the aggressor," even though there was never a consequence for the aggressor's behavior.
Even though these examples might seem insignificant to the adult mind, your nervous system got a loud and clear message: Do not trust your instincts.
The Internal Story That Keeps You Stuck
To prevent the pain of rejection or criticism, your nervous system crafted a defensive story—a narrative that dictates your decisions today. This story goes something like this:
"I can't trust myself. Whenever I've tried to make a decision for myself or do something I want without checking with other people first, I've been criticized, rejected, and reminded that I shouldn't trust myself. The things I want or think aren't good. I'm wrong for trying to think for myself. Clearly, I can't keep myself safe. Other people truly know what's best for me."
This learned helplessness and deep childhood roots of self-doubt is the fuel for the permission trap.
Years later, when you have an innovative idea or want to take a new career path, and you're met with doubt, criticism, or even just silence from others, your nervous system fact-checks it with that childhood story. The evidence and the painful emotional response feel the same.
Avoiding negativity becomes the number one goal. Your nervous system goes into full protection mode because the risk of moving without that external validation is simply too great.
Real Steps to Build Self-Trust and Overcome the Trap
It might seem like you are doomed to continue this pattern forever, but that’s not true. You do not have to continue living this way. If you are ready to stop endlessly waiting for permission from someone or something else that may never actually come, you must start by working to change that outdated, debilitating story your nervous system is relying on.
Rewriting this narrative is not as hard as you might think. It requires small, consistent, and conscious actions that build rebuilding self-trust through evidence.
Here are a few things I used early on in my own journey to stop being a chronic permission trap seeker:
1. Inventory Your Self-Authored Wins
The first step is to challenge the core belief: "I can't trust myself."
The Practice: Look for times in your life—no matter how big or small—where you were able to do something without getting the go-ahead from a coach, guru, expert, friend, family member, or that "sign from the universe."
Examples: Successfully navigating a new route, choosing a complicated dish to cook, deciding to quit a toxic job (even if it was scary), or even just choosing what movie to watch tonight without asking your partner three times.
The Follow-Up: Start making a physical list of these wins. Keep it somewhere visible, like on your nightstand or taped to your mirror. Seeing this list every morning helps you immediately dispute the old narrative and proves that you are far more capable than you give yourself credit for. You do not need other people’s permission to function successfully.
2. Start with Micro-Decisions (The Ripped Jeans Theory)
When you are breaking a pattern of codependency on external approval, you must start small. Making a life-altering decision without permission first is too great a leap and will trigger a massive fear response.
The Practice: Start making small, personal decisions for yourself and immediately acting on them. The choice should be entirely irrelevant to anyone else but must be something you previously held back on due to a past judgment.
Personal Example: By the time I was in my early 30s, I had never owned a pair of ripped jeans. I had been told so many times they were "a waste of money" or "unflattering." I decided I was going to buy a pair, regardless of what anyone thought or said.
The Outcome: It felt terrifying and awkward, but I pushed through because it was something I needed to do for myself to continue rewriting my story. Once I did it, no one even batted an eye. My nervous system registered a key piece of evidence: I made a decision, I acted, and I was safe.
3. Check Your North Star Guidance System
Before you act on any decision—especially a small one—you must check your intention. This helps you distinguish between true self-approval and a continued need for validation.
The Question: When you make a choice, ask yourself: "Am I doing this because I am looking for acceptance and approval from others? Or am I doing it because it feels right for me?"
The Indicator: If you are doing it because it genuinely feels right for you (even if it feels a bit scary), then you know that is your north star guidance system. That internal compass, driven by your core self, cannot steer you wrong. It is the source of true self-growth and personal development.
The Science of Breaking Free: Rewriting the Pattern
Needing permission is just a learned pattern, one that your brain uses for efficiency and self-protection.
The Old Pattern Loop (Permission Trap):
Action Attempt: You try to make a choice without permission.
External Response: You receive a negative or critical response.
Meaning Made: The meaning you made in that moment is: "I'm not capable; I must rely on other people."
Influence: This meaning influences your thoughts, feelings, and actions (self-doubt, fear, hesitation).
Result: You feel like you need permission to stop this negative cycle from repeating.
The New Pattern Loop (Self-Approval Strategy):
When you try the actionable steps suggested above, you begin to "scratch the record," so to speak, which changes the pattern for your nervous system:
Action Attempt: You make a choice without someone else's permission (e.g., buying the jeans).
External Response: You get a neutral or even a positive response (or a positive response from yourself).
Meaning Made: The meaning you make is: "I made a good choice. I am capable. I am safe."
Influence: This meaning influences your thoughts, feelings, and actions (self-trust, confidence, empowered decision-making).
Result: You get a different result—you feel less need for external confirmation.
The more you "scratch the record" by providing concrete, real-world evidence of your capability, the weaker the old pattern of seeking permission will become. You are literally rebuilding self-trust, one micro-decision at a time.
FAQ: Taking the First Steps to Self-Approval
Q: How can I stop needing others’ approval overnight?
A: You can’t, and trying to will only reinforce the permission trap. Needing approval is a deeply ingrained nervous system pattern established in childhood. True change happens through consistent, small, evidence-based actions that prove to your body that you are safe to trust yourself. Focus on self-acceptance strategies rather than instant fixes.
Q: What’s the difference between seeking advice and seeking permission?**
A: Seeking Advice is rooted in competence: "I trust myself to make the final decision, but I am gathering data from experts to inform my choice." Seeking Permission is rooted in fear: "I don't trust myself, and I need this external person to validate my choice so I can blame them if it goes wrong."
Q: What is the first step to self-approval?
A: The very first step is acknowledgment. Acknowledge the pattern without judgment. Understand that you are not "broken" but operating from a protective pattern (the operational identity). Then, take the simplest step: make a small, inconsequential decision for yourself and immediately act on it.
Final Thoughts: Breaking Free from the Permission Trap
The journey out of the permission trap is one of continuous self-growth and personal development. It requires courage, not perfection. Every time you make a decision, big or small, without waiting for the "go-ahead" sign, you are casting a vote for self-trust.
Stop waiting for someone else to tell you that you are enough. You have been enough all along. Start gathering the evidence to prove it to the most important entity in your life: yourself.
The choice is yours. What small, fearless decision will you make today?