How to Stop Proving Your Worth: A Woman's Guide to Self-Validation
Ever feel like you're constantly running on a hamster wheel, trying to prove your worth to everyone around you? If you're a woman, chances are you've experienced this. We're often taught from a young age that our value comes from external validation—achievements, appearance, compliments, and how well we serve others. But what if I told you that the key to feeling truly worthy lies not in what others think of you, but in what you think of yourself?
The Unseen Burden of "Trying So Hard"
I recently attended a networking event where the speaker hit me right in the gut: "As women, we are taught that we have to prove ourselves." Immediately, my mind flashed back to an interaction with my college professor. She called me aside after class, and my stomach dropped. "What did I do wrong?" I wondered, despite excelling in her class and being involved on campus.
When she finally spoke, she asked, "Kim, why are you trying so hard to prove yourself?"
It was a punch to the gut because, consciously, I didn't think I was. But deep down, I knew she was right. My past experiences had wired me this way. I spent five and a half years in an abusive relationship where my high school boyfriend constantly told me no one else would ever want me because my body was "disgusting." I believed him, staying far longer than I should have, terrified of being alone and proving him right.
After that relationship, I was constantly seeking validation, desperately trying to get others to confirm I was attractive and desirable. I eventually got that out of my system, found my incredible husband, and thought that chapter was closed.
But the pattern of proving my worth just shifted. It showed up in my teaching career. I poured my heart and soul into my lesson plans, spent my own money on classroom decorations, games, and books, all because I secretly yearned for that "Teacher of the Year" nomination. It never came. The validation I craved, that huge fanfare, never materialized. My two colleagues were supportive, but I was looking for external recognition, and its absence made me believe I wasn't good enough.
Leaving teaching was another blow. Then, as a stay-at-home mom, I kept the house pristine, laundry done, and dinner on the table every night. My husband would thank me, comment on my day, but there was no marching band celebrating my efforts to keep my kids alive and our home running smoothly. When I inevitably lost my patience and yelled after asking my kids five times to put on their shoes, or eight times to clean their toys, I'd convince myself I was failing.
I had this unrealistic idea that my worth was dependent on others telling me how amazing I was—beautiful, smart, good at what I did. I couldn't give it to myself. This desperate need for external validation turned me into a perfectionist, an overachiever, a people pleaser, more than ever before. And I was secretly miserable, dying inside from the constant, unfulfilled striving. The harder I pushed, the more elusive that validation became.
The Internal Compass: Why External Validation Never Truly Satisfies
What I didn't realize then was that I couldn't get it from someone else because I couldn't give it to myself first. If I didn't believe it internally, how could I ever truly accept it from someone else? Any praise I did receive felt hollow, easily dismissed. This continuous quest for external approval pushed me to a breaking point where nothing I did ever felt good enough.
This feeling of unworthiness wasn't born overnight. It was a culmination of childhood experiences, adolescence, teenage years, and adult life. Just when you think you've conquered one battle, another limiting belief pops up.
Redefining Professional Worth Beyond Metrics
In my personal life, I can now see so much evidence of my worth: my girls do well in school, behave in public most of the time, listen, and are respectful. I can look at these things and genuinely say, "Yes, Kim, you are worthy, you are loved, you are enough."
However, subconsciously, leaving my teaching career due to burnout made me feel professionally "not enough." So, I fell into the trap of feeling like I had to prove myself as a coach and healer. I'd look at other coaches touting thousands of five-star reviews, claiming to have helped "800,000+ people in over 200 countries"—always framed in metrics, in a quantitative way.
When I started my coaching business, I naively thought, "I've made this journey happen for myself, so if I build it, they will come." But the online world doesn't work like the "Field of Dreams." I quickly got caught up in social media metrics: "I didn't get 1,000 views on this post; I did something wrong." "I didn't close that client after the discovery call." "They only booked one session instead of three." Each perceived "failure" reinforced the belief that I wasn't doing a good job.
This isn't just about childhood wounds. Society, through social media, constantly bombards us with messages that we're not enough. You don't drive a high-end car? Not enough. Don't wear designer clothes? Not enough. Don't have a six-figure business or millions of followers? Not enough. We compare ourselves to curated online personas and use those false metrics to determine our value.
But those metrics aren't real indicators of a person's goodness, experience, or knowledge. They just show someone knows how to work an algorithm and create content with a hook. Chances are, if you peeled back the curtain, those "successful" people are also struggling, seeking the same validation. It’s human nature; we all crave a sense of belonging and love.
The problem arises when we seek that feeling solely from others, without cultivating it internally. This creates a "grabby," desperate energy. And when we do get that external "proof" of our worth, it never feels like enough. We've built it up so much in our heads that a simple "thank you" or acknowledgment falls flat.
Breaking Free: How to Step Off the "Proving" Train
So, how do you stop? How do you get off this train of endlessly trying to prove yourself? There's no quick stop, but here's how to start:
Ask Yourself: Why Am I Doing This? Are you doing things because they genuinely feel good to you, deep down in your soul? Or are you doing them because you're waiting for someone else to tell you how amazing you are? If it lights you up, keep going. If you're doing it with an outcome attached, especially one dependent on someone else's unpredictable validation, it's time to reevaluate. You have no control over whether someone will say, "Good job," "I see you," or "You are enough."
For example, I love making my kids' Halloween costumes. I do it because it brings me joy, not because I'm looking for "Mom of the Year" accolades. I just make it up as I go, embrace the process, and that feels good. If I were doing it for external praise, I'd need to stop.Would You Go the Distance Regardless of Others' Opinions? Ask yourself: Would I commit to this effort, to this path, even if no one ever validated me or gave me the "atta girl/boy" I'm looking for? If the answer is no, it's time to stop, reevaluate, and change your plan.
You need to decide what would be enough for you to feel proud, complete, and accomplished. Start there. If we continue to push ourselves to exhaustion, hoping for a congratulation that never comes, we just spiral deeper into resentment, bitterness, and hopelessness.
The Goal: Self-Love and Self-Approval
Stop and check in with yourself. Does it feel good to do it? Yes? Keep going. Are you doing it because you're desperate for someone else to celebrate you? Then you need to change course, redirect your energy, or perhaps just stop altogether.
The ultimate goal is to love yourself and approve of yourself, regardless of whether anyone else ever does. That's where true, lasting worth resides.
Ask yourself: “What's one thing you can do today to shift from proving your worth to simply being your worth?” And start from there!
I’m Kim Keane, certified coach and energy healer, and I’d love to help you transform your life, your relationships and ultimately build a path toward a loving, peaceful life. DM me or email me at kim@kimkeane.com if you want to get personalized support, download my Free Everyday Spirituality Handbook or get my EFT Tapping Booster Session to continue making progress on your healing journey. You’re doing great and it’s never too late!