The Trap of Identity: Overcoming Mental Health Labels
I used to think I was having an identity crisis. After leaving my teaching career, I struggled to find a new sense of self, especially as a stay-at-home mom. So, I went to therapy, hoping for a simple, three-step solution. What I found was something much more complex and, at times, more damaging: a new set of labels that became my entire identity.
My therapist began giving me labels like codependent, anxious, avoidant, and enmeshed. At first, it felt like an explanation for all my struggles. But these labels quickly became a trap, a heavy weight shackled to my ankle that I dragged with me everywhere.
Understanding Codependency: More Than Just a Label
The first label I was given was codependency. When my therapist explained it as "taking on other people's emotions," it made sense, but it wasn't the whole picture. She failed to add that this happens at the sacrifice of yourself.
Curious, I went home and searched for "codependency." I found a checklist and, to my shock, I could check "yes" to every single item. I was enraged. I knew this pattern didn't start with me; it was a generational cycle, passed down from my grandmother to my father, and then to me. And on my mother's side, too.
I was furious with the generations before me. "Didn't anyone see this?" I wondered. "Didn't anyone want to break the cycle?" But then I remembered, my grandmother was born during the Depression. Mental health wasn't a priority. They didn't have the language or tools to understand what they were experiencing. They just white-knuckled their way through it, and the result was generations of dysfunction, addiction, and codependency.
I decided I would be the one to break the cycle. I read books by Melody Beattie, the pioneer of codependency, and did all the workbooks. I even considered joining a support group. Yet, despite all my efforts, I couldn't identify when I was being codependent in the moment. My therapist gave me metaphorical tools, like invisible cooking spray to let the "strings of codependency" slide off, but they didn't work because I was so focused on the label itself.
How Labels Became a Trap and a Crutch
Soon, everything in my life was because "I was codependent." My husband triggered me? Codependency. I was losing my patience with my kids? Codependency. Stressed and overwhelmed? You guessed it: codependency!
This was not the only label. After codependency came "anxious." Then "childhood emotional neglect." Every new label became another brick in the wall that held me captive. "I can't do that because I'm anxious." "That upset me because I'm codependent."
These labels stopped me in my tracks. I froze. I stopped doing the things I wanted and needed to do because I was so focused on these labels that I had made my identity.
But here’s the thing: a label is not who you are. When we say, "I am codependent," or "I am anxious," we make it our identity. The more we say it, the harder it is to break free.
From "I Am" to "I Do": Changing Your Narrative
What we call a label is actually a pattern. I wasn't codependent; I was running a pattern of codependency. I wasn't anxious; I was running a pattern of anxiety. People aren't people-pleasers; they're running a pattern of people-pleasing.
This might sound like a simple, black-and-white way of looking at it, but it's the truth. When we can recognize something as a pattern, it gives us insight into the why behind our actions. It's never about the "what"—the label. It's always about the "why."
Labels keep us focused on the "what," causing us to freeze. But when we see a pattern, we can ask, "Why am I running this pattern?"
And here's the kicker: we often run these patterns because they keep us safe. The label "I am codependent" kept me in control by allowing me to freeze and do nothing. It created a false sense of connection with others ("Oh, you're anxious too?"). This gave me a feeling of mattering, but it completely disconnected me from my own heart and gut.
Recognizing and Transforming Emotional Cycles
When we stop identifying as the label, we create space to see the pattern and ask the crucial question: "Is this pattern helping me or hindering me?"
Is it helping you grow and contribute to yourself, your family, and your community? If so, it might be a pattern that serves you.
But if it's stopping you from growing, contributing, and thriving, then it's hindering you. For me, the patterns of codependency and anxiety caused me to shut down. I became angry, resentful, and wasn't present. I was stuck in a loop: feeling the emotions, lashing out at my husband and kids, hiding, and then feeling like I needed another therapy session. It was a constant cycle with no real growth.
The reason for this cycle was that I was focused on the "what" (the labels) instead of the "why" (the root cause of the patterns). The real magic happens when you get to the root of why you're running a certain pattern.
So, I encourage you to look at how you identify yourself. What are the labels you use? Ask yourself if they are truly serving you. If they are holding you back, then that awareness is the first step you need to move forward and make a change.
I’m Kim Keane, certified coach and energy healer, and I’d love to help you transform your life, your relationships and ultimately build a path toward a loving, peaceful life. DM me or email me at kim@kimkeane.com if you want to get personalized support, download my Free Everyday Spirituality Handbook or get my EFT Tapping Booster Session to continue making progress on your healing journey. You’re doing great and it’s never too late!